I almost forgot to blog this.
So, just as I remembered now, i immediately started typing out ..
Sunday night i had a dream. Now, you see, I generally don't get dreams at night. I generally do all the dreamwork in the day. Just to be sure that I get proper sleep, and not wake up awkwardly stunned on the ground due to any bad dream, I make sure i think of something nice and happy before sleeping. I do not remember what I did sunday night, but I got up at 3 am literally drenched in sweat and scared to my bones.
For some vague reason, (you know, how dreams are ..), I'm in a cell with 2 more guys, both of whom I couldn't recognize. We three were to be executed the next morning. I was raking my brain (in my dream I mean) as to what great crime I had committed to get that punishment. And when I looked at these two other guys, they seemed gullible and innocent enough. I had no idea what country it was, where exactly I was. I was reluctant to speak to other guys and I sensed the same from them, as I saw them lay huddled in different corners of that (about 8x8) room.
As the time wore on, more than the thought of what I was being punished for, the thought that the punishment was death starting sinking in. I was imagining all that I saw, read about execution and it was in no way comforting. Very strangely, there was no trace of thoughts or ideas towards escaping. I was thinking and wishing what would be easiest way for the whole thing to get over. From what i saw, firing a bullet into the head would, by far, be the best thing that can happen, as it might get over in a second or two. I started wishing (praying ?) hard that this should be how it should end. Then I started thinking if it wasn't better to shoot at heart. Even as I was thinking, independently I was getting really really scared that it is going to be the end. Everthing except my bated breath and the beating of my own heart, seemed to have come to a stand still like in a painting.
I grew up in an ashram environment that always told me not to fear death and that it is as much part of life as life itself is. That was of no avail, as I was staring at the blank wall, thinking of the next day. Every now and then, involuntarily, as much as I was trying to avoid them, the incidents of more gruesome execution started creeping into my mind. To top it all, there was this unbelievable silence that the anticipation or presence of death often demands, and that silence was very very scary. Though it was just a dream, I had no idea as I was in the dream. I was a somebody who's going to be put to death, the next day. I was desparately thinking of all nice incidents of my family, my father, mother, brother, relatives and friends, the times I spent with them, their words, so that I can avoid this mental torture. More I tried to recall, more I started feeling their absence and my loneliness in that hell hole.
Imagination is a good thing. But too much imagination can be distressing as it happened in this dream of mine. After seeing so many people in realworld and on the cinemas undergo this strange phenomenon, anyone would think we would have gotten used to it. But no. Instead, all those images were corroding into my mind as certain possibilites of my immediate future. oh ! what I wouldn't have given in that situation for some company and assurance that everything is going to be alright.
It was very cold and slowly my face and hands started getting numb. I wanted to cry loudly but very strangely there were no tears. But there is this tremendous amount of fear that i never faced all my life. I was slightly shivering though i was sweating like I was outdoors working on a sunny afternoon. With one ultimate effort I shook myself up to wakefulness and found that I was really shivering and sweating and still in terror for about half a minute. It took me about 45 minutes to calm down myself and go to sleep with thankful prayers on my lips.
Man's natural fear of anything unknown or uncertain, shows its ugly fangs when it comes to pinnacle of such mysteries called Death. Sometimes I feel (I donno if I read it somewhere too) that all our lives we are given an opportunity of time to train ourselves to this singular event which alludes all scientific rationale. It proved to me yet again, how powerful and dangerous a tool that mind is.
What a beautiful creature, yet so dangerous when confronted alone. I have enjoyed taking this pic when we were going on a Lion and Tiger Safari this afternoon in the Bannerugatta zoo.
